Courtney Ellis

Do you have a newborn? Dying for some sleep? Good news! Here are 10 foolproof methods for getting your baby to sleep through the night.

1. Put your baby down to sleep at the perfect moment

Watch your baby like a hawk. Did she wrinkle her nose like she might be sleepy? Put her down immediately. Are you at the grocery store when he rubs his eyes? Abandon the cart and get home ASAP. There is one perfect go-to-sleep moment where you can put your baby down and she will sleep for twelve straight hours and awake fully rested. Missed it? Tomorrow is another day. Just remember that your sleep-deprived zombie-mommy coma is your fault. Do better next time.

2. Never put your baby down to sleep

If you are serious about being a good parent and don’t want to raise your adorable infant to be the next Charles Manson, you must practice attachment parenting. That means you never put your baby down to sleep because he is attached to you like a subcutaneous mole. You two sleep together, eat together, and shower together. If your baby isn’t sleeping well it’s clearly because you removed the infant sling to change your clothes. How dare you.

3. Let your baby cry it out

If you really want sleep, you have to let your baby cry it out. It doesn’t matter if he isn’t sleepy or you drank eight cappuccinos and the caffeine went straight into your breast milk. You are the boss. Put him down. He’ll soon figure out who is in charge and never question you again.

4. Use essential oils

The right combination of chamomile, lavender, owlet drops, baby bunny fur puffs, unicorn horn, and distillation of pure positive thinking can help your baby sleep through the night from conception onwards. Don’t believe me? Come to my essential oils party. THERE IS NO PRESSURE TO BUY.

5. Switch to formula

Your breast milk isn’t filling your baby up enough. The milk you’re producing is probably skim, or maybe even just milk-colored water. Your baby is starving. No wonder she isn’t sleeping!

6. Breast is best when it comes to sleep

Your baby will never sleep well while ingesting formula because he wants to be close to you. Nursing provides this closeness, along with 1,295,841 other essential vitamins, minerals, and nutrients that are vital for uninterrupted sleep.

7. Make sure your baby faces east

I don’t know why. This just helps.

8. Swaddle your baby

Do you have a newborn? Dying for some sleep? Good news! Here are 10 foolproof methods for getting your baby to sleep through the night.

9. Use only organic clothing and linens

Babies simply cannot sleep in regular cotton onesies and bedding. Just ask Gwenyth.

10. Beg for mercy

Pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray. Eventually it will work, because God is merciful or because your child is now fourteen years old.

Either way.

 

Originally featured at the Huffington Post. If this made you laugh, check out 10 Things Not to Say to a Postpartum Mom.