Courtney B Ellis

1. When you can’t EVER let your guard down around glasses or silverware 

Our baby has a reach of like eight feet if he sees something sharp, breakable, or shiny.

Go-go-Gadget ARMS!

 

2. When your close friend who gave you a hard time for being a nap stickler has a baby of her own and texts you, “Oh my goodness, naps ARE important!”

I don’t want to say I told you so, but… yeah.

You only need to nap your children if you want them to continue being children and not tiny T-Rexes.

 

3. When you’re constantly baffled by the things you have to say out loud

Yes, you are going to brush your teeth again today.

No, you can’t have a snack; you literally just finished breakfast six minutes ago.

Yes, your brother pooped in the tub and NO, YOU CANNOT TOUCH IT.

 

4. When a new, kid-friendly restaurant opens within walking distance

Chicken nuggets? $3. Chocolate milk? $1.

Not having to scrape nasty dried food off of the high chair for the 87,432nd time this week? PRICELESS.

 

5. When your kid says something incredibly awkward/offensive/inappropriate in the grocery store checkout line

No, ma’am, you don’t look pregnant at all.

Excuse me while I go crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment.

 

6. When you never use the bathroom alone again. Or even close the door.

Can’t mommy just go by hersel–… oh, never mind. Sure, I’ll read you Daniel Tiger Goes to the Doctor for the ninetieth time while I try to do my business.

 

7. When you react with disproportionate shushing anytime someone makes any sort of a noise after the kids finally go to sleep

I am all for nonviolence but if you wake the teething baby I WILL KILL YOU.

 

8. When your progeny ruins the only clean shirt you have left 0.002 seconds after you put it on

Spit up fountain!

Diaper overflow!

Blueberry-encrusted preschooler!

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

 

9. When hear things your own mother said come out of your mouth. Things you swore you’d never say…but now you’re saying them too.

Time to swallow that pride because your mom? She KNEW THINGS.

Call her up and tell her, thank her, order her some flowers, and then repeat all those things she told you to your own kids.

I mean, you turned out pretty well, didn’t you? There’s living proof.

 

10. When they do well at something and you realize that all your hard work is paying off and you are raising these tiny amazing people that probably won’t grow up to be serial killers and might even do some good in the world

 

Can I get an amen?