Living with tiny humans is not unlike Star Trek…
1. When you suddenly realize it’s waaaaaay too quiet
Oh no, oh no, oh no oh no oh no. Please, PLEASE tell me they didn’t discover my hidden lipstick stash.
Welcome to the foreign planet that is now your living room.
2. When you try to play make believe with your kids but it’s totally not your thing…
Whinny. Whinny. Snort. Neigh.
3. When you teach them anatomically correct words for all their parts, and then they start using those words frequently in public.
The good news is your anatomy lesson stuck with them.
The bad news is you have some explaining to do at church.
4. When you and your spouse realize the kids are getting big SO RIDICULOUSLY FAST and there’s not a single thing you can do to slow them down
5. When you have one of those days where you get through all your errands, hit the park, cook meals the kids eat without complaining, and get them to bed by a decent hour, all while having a decent hair day.
For my next trick, I will create world peace.
6. When you try to get your kids to walk somewhere and they tell you they can’t because they are SOOOOOOO tired. Then you arrive at the park and they sprint to the playground like Carl Lewis.
You’re not fooling anyone, mister.
7. When your kid needs you to be sporty, but you just aren’t…
Sure, let’s play… catch…
8. When you sneak candy in front of the kids and get away with it.
Not that I do that, you understand.
I AM FAR TOO MATURE TO BE SURREPTITIOUSLY EATING GUMMI BEARS.
9. When you have to discipline your kid by taking away an activity you were really excited about, but you and your spouse know you did the right thing
Aw, mannnn… You can’t hit your brother, but I wanted to go to the Train Museum, too!
10. When you give your kid’s teachers boring-but-practical gift cards as a ‘thank you’ only to realize that allllll the other parents gave homemade, Pinterest-worthy, trendy gifts and you feel like a cultural anthropologist because it never even occurred to you to do something like that…